life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Oh god it's open bar.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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