Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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