I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I am mentally ready for anal.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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