we made out on top of his cat.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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