I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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