Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
