I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
