theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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