Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
