he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
