Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
