toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
