Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
