this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
