Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
