upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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