maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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