just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
