He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
that is very illegal...i love you.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
