i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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