screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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