My liver just broke up with me...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
