Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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