bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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