Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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