I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
