Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
