I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
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What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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