either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
