if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
