my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize