so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
