they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
