I molested 6 butterflies tonight
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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