Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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