Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
