the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
