The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
