he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
is it fun? or sober?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
