I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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