I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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