WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
