i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
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So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
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I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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