you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
