I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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