I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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