I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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