Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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