the condom got lost in my hair
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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