Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
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We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
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I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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