"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
