Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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