we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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