I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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