someone threw a dead crab at me
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
