His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
