Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
