I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
